Formula for Parental Happiness

Recently I attended a training in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on the Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) developed by Dr. Matt Sanders and colleagues at the University of Queensland, Australia. The overarching goal of Triple P is to "reduce the prevalence of behavioral and emotional problems in children by enhancing the competence and confidence of parents at a population level". This asset-based program incorporates five principles of positive parenting: Safe and engaging environments, Responsive Learning Environments, Assertive Discipline, Reasonable Expectations, and Parental Self Care. Because I now look at life through the lens of Positive Psychology, I couldn't help but see several tie-ins to self efficacy, self-determination, the ABC model, explanatory styles, self regulation, thinking traps and icebergs. For those not well-versed in the Positive Psychology lexicon, in the coming weeks I will be taking each of the aforementioned topics and writing a separate blog to explain each concept or theory. Stay tuned...

For me, the most obvious connection between Triple P and Positive Psychology is the notion of a formula for happiness. In Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman outlines his theory that 50% of an individual's level of happiness is attributed to heritable or genetic programming (pessimistic or optimistic explanatory styles), 40% to life circumstances and 10% to intentional activities. This formula is promising for those of us who feel that happiness is a choice. By changing one's circumstances or engaging in intentional activities, one can alter his/her overall level of happiness. Despite variations in levels of happiness, there is a set point to which all people return, which is largely due to a tendency to adapt to life's highs and lows. But focusing on getting more pleasure out of life, becoming more engaged in what you do and finding ways of making your life feel more meaningful will alter your set range of happiness. Read More (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1015832-3,00.html#ixzz10kEhR0Fm)

The same happiness formula applies to parenting and is explicitly demonstrated in the Triple P curriculum. A parent's genetic programming, such as temperament or explanatory style, heavily influences parenting skills. For instance, a parent with a pessimistic explanatory style, may think that the temper tantrum his/her child is displaying happens "all the time", "it will never end", or "my child is bad" , thinking in terms of a behavior being permanent and universal or "not me, always and everything". An optimistic parent may view the same episode as temporary and specific "it was only this one time", "she was tired", "it will be over soon." And what role do life circumstances play into parenting? Think about a parent undergoing unemployment, depression, marital conflict, poverty or other situations. Life circumstances affect the home environment and are major factors that contribute to behavior in children. When parental circumstances are less than ideal, the environment can be constructed in a negative way for a child. Alternatively, stable life circumstances can produce environments rich in time, attention, conversation, and parental engagement.

The last piece of the parenting happiness formula involved intentional activities. By taking time to get down on the floor to play with your child, talking to them at the dinner table, snuggling with them in bed at night, and stopping chores to see a drawing they have created, you will not only be giving yourself a boost, but your child will reap the rewards tenfold. There are several other activities available to parents to contribute to that 10% part of the happiness equation. Sonya Lyubomirsky and Barbara Fredrickson are two researchers who provides readers with practical and intentional activities to use everyday with your children and you! That fifth principle of Triple P is parental self-care, which in my mind, is the cornerstone of parental well being. When you are on an airplane, the safety demonstration tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting your child. If you are not nourished as a parent, you will have little to nothing to give to your children. As you go through your day today, whether or not you are a parent, remember the formula: Happiness = Genetics + Circumstances + Intentional Activities. You always have a choice.

Toddler. The word itself is used to categorize children who have grown out of the infancy stage and are experiencing life between the ages of one and two. Watch a toddler and you will instantly see the sporadic, involuntary, and toddling movements that are associated with these young souls. Their days are spent as a weeble-wobble, walking around gingerly and falling repeatedly as they learn to make sense of their bodies in space. As adults we understand the innocence of this age, the exploration, the curiosity with movement. My four-year-old has a different perspective. Her understanding of the toddler years relies on a sense of fairness.

Recently the Associated Press published an article that highlighted a study conducted on dogs and whether or not these pets possess the ability to sense fairness. A researcher from the University of Vienna tested 29 dogs in varying pairs using the shaking hands technique of having the dogs offer a paw for a treat. The experimenter placed a bowl of sausages on one side and a bowl of brown bread on the other. What the team found was that when one dog received a reward and the other didn't, the unrewarded animal stopped playing. When both animals received a reward they participated with enthusiasm. The dogs level of participation was not effected by whether or not they received a sausage or a piece of bread, but only by the gesture of getting a treat altogether. The full article can be found at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28112599.

A pair of dogs can sense the inequity of a situation when related to a simple system of rewards. Children and even adults are keen at sniffing out these differences with each other, stretching beyond treats, and encompassing everyday interactions. How do parents then establish a sense of fairness between siblings when one is developmentally light years away from the other? How important is it to establish fairness with a toddler who knows no better contentment then swinging her arms from side to side and...whooops..hitting her sister?

In my pursuit of an answer to these questions I discovered the similarities and differences between fairness and justice. The common ground between these two virtues is protecting the rights of others. Fairness means leveling the playing field without favoritism or prejudice, treating each other equally so that everyone receives a share and focusing on what is right for all involved. Justice involves never allowing stronger people to hurt weaker people, continually looking for the truth, making agreements that benefit everyone equally, and being fair in all that we do. Fairness lays the foundation for justice to settle and grow.

As parents we strive to maintain fairness between siblings by offering similar choices, enforcing rules equally and meeting every one's needs. When the field is muddy and torn-up due to factors out of our control, such as age, special needs, illness, etc, then what we really need to practice and give to our children is justice. With justice, we will be protecting every one's rights and helping one another understand and tolerate differences. Justice is the guardian of integrity. Parents are the people who make the shield and empower siblings to treat one another with a sense of justice, even when circumstances appear to be unfair.

So tonight when the toddler meets the behemoth for pre-dinner battle, the field will be uneven, with lots of holes and pitfalls. The purveyor of justice will march in to ensure that each sibling understands how to use gentle hands and hopefully the scales of justice will once again be balanced in our house of virtues.

And a reminder for the day : Bark less. Wag more.

With peace and hope,
Elizabeth